


safe and sound for you

by dearjohnlaurens



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Oneshot, Panic Attack, Sad at First, Suicide mention, again started this at 4am, bit angsty for ham, blood mention, dead bodies mention, death mention, gets happier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-25
Updated: 2016-02-25
Packaged: 2018-05-21 12:20:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6051421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dearjohnlaurens/pseuds/dearjohnlaurens
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>alexander is reminded of his painful past, and john comforts him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	safe and sound for you

It was one of those nights. They were the nights that Alexander hated most, the ones that brought back a tide of unwanted memories, the ones he kept tucked away in a crevice in the back of his mind, only to be brought to center stage when that tell-tale pitter-patter started up. Alexander wished he could be like most people, to enjoy the “calming, therapeutic” sound of rain and curl up cozily next to a loved one and read a book, or just relish the bliss and peacefulness. Yet, these were not ways Alexander spent his rainy days. He spent them filled with muffled sobs and shaking hands and a feeling like he was drowning, his breath snatched from his lungs and gasping sounds that filled the hollow apartment.

Alexander was clutching his legs to his chest as he felt the air supply in his lungs decrease rapidly. As he stared out the window, at the rain pouring down to the sidewalk, he involuntarily thought back to the hurricane that he had so desperately wished he would die in. He thought of the bloated, floating bodies in the streets, of his dead mother’s arms holding him as he sobbed into her neck, trying so desperately to wish her back to life, though he had known it was fruitless.

He squeezed his eyes shut, letting the tears spill out and roll down his cheeks. Alexander was thoroughly startled when his phone suddenly rang out, and for a split second, he was highly tempted to ignore it. Answering your phone in the middle of a panic attack isn’t really something people do. Yet, something made him shakily stand up, supporting himself against the wall. When he reached the source of the ringing, Alexander didn’t hesitate a beat before picking up.

“John,” he whispered, his breathing ragged.

“Alexander…are you alright? You don’t sound too great. Are you coming down with something?” John asked, the worry evident in his voice, the one voice that could always calm Alexander down.

“No…can you come over? I-I really need someone right now.”

“I’m already in the car.” With the words that were barely a comfort, John hung up on the other side, leaving Alexander sitting in solitude on the worn, cold tiles of his kitchen floor. He leaned his head against the wall, resting his eyes for a brief moment, only for them to fly back open when he caught a glimpse of the horrible memories burned to the inside of his brain.

Alexander was jolted from the unbearable flashback when three clear knocks rang out from the door, a little something John liked to do to signal that he had arrived. Staggering to his feet, Alexander stumbled through his cluttered apartment and flung the door open. He had never been more relieved to see the familiar, freckled face he loved.

It was obvious John had dropped everything to rush to Alexander’s side as soon as possible. His hair had been messily pulled back, with a few stray strands sticking out here and there. The tan overcoat he was wearing had only been half-buttoned, and those buttons were mismatched and appeared to be the product of doing them up one-handed as he hurried out the door. In that fleeting moment, Alexander realized how lucky he was to have a boyfriend like John.

“Alexander, what’s the matter?” John asked, reaching out to brush a hand against Alexander’s cheek. That one slight touch was all it took for Alexander to completely break down, into full-fledged sobs and a shaking figure. Through the tears, Alexander could see John looking rather alarmed. However, the look only lasted a split second, then John stepped forward and embraced Alexander tightly. He obviously had no idea what was going on, but offered Alexander the comfort he craved in his time of distress.

The couple remained in their position for so long, Alexander lost track of time. First, it seemed to be mere minutes, but those minutes stretched into what felt like hours, but the good kind of hours. They weren’t tiresome, Alexander felt like he could stay there forever, wrapped in John’s arms, feeling safe and loved.

John spoke into the silence, “Do you want to talk about it?”

Alexander hesitated. Almost no one knew of his past, it was something he’d rather forget and put far, far behind him. But it might help to get it out, and not keep it suppressed far down inside.

“Yeah, I’d like that,” whispered Alexander, his voice wobbly and hoarse.

Keeping an arm around Alexander, John navigated their way through piles upon piles of books and papers scattered around on the ratty carpet. When they reached the living room, Alexander collapsed on the worn couch, exhausted from the night’s events. John grasped a somewhat tattered quilt that had previously been draped over the back of an armchair, and covered Alexander with it, then bent down to kiss his forehead.

“Listen, I’m going to make you a cup of tea, then you can talk whenever you feel ready,” said John.

Even though he was out of sight, Alexander nodded wordlessly, and he wondered if he was really ready to tell someone the truth of his past. John knew he had grown up in the Caribbean, knew he was an orphan, but knew not how these things came to be. Maybe it was time to come clean.

When John returned with two steaming mugs of tea, Alexander was ready to talk. He needed to confide in someone about those miserable years before enough money was raised to send him to the mainland. If his mother were still alive, he knew that she would have wanted him to tell John the truth. And that was what he was going to do.

Clutching the mug to his chest, Alexander took a deep breath and began.

“I was only twelve when it happened. John, I was so scared, it was terrifying…” Alexander has barely begun his story when he started to choke up, his throat becoming tight with the assured tears that were bound to appear. John stroked his hair, and pressed a kiss to the top of his head.

After swallowing several times, Alexander continued. “No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t seem to die. I just wanted to be with her again. When she died, she was holding me, and I didn’t even understand what was wrong… I was just lying there, in my dead mother’s arms. She was so still…I’ll never be able to forget that night. Outside, the rain was just pouring down, it was the only thing I could hear. Once I realized what had happened, I didn’t know what to do. When I finally went for someone to help me, I couldn’t even leave our house. The streets were flooded, and-and…they were clogged with dead bodies, there must have been hundreds of them, just floating and bumping around. So many people had died from disease, or the hurricane, and I felt so lost and helpless. For days on end, I just had to sit in that house, with my mother’s body… It must have been at least a week when the streets were cleared, and I was found. After that, they sent me to live with my cousin, who committed suicide a year later. Do you know what that does to a kid, John? It-it really messes them up.” Just as he concluded his story, Alexander’s voice cracked, and momentarily, he wished he had never dug up all of the old agony from the past. What good did it do anyone? None, he decided.

John seemed at a loss for words, and Alexander didn’t blame him. He wasn’t entirely certain why he had made the decision to spill to John in the first place, but now that all was said and done, he wished he could take it back, every last painful word.

“I-I’m sorry, that was too much, you don’t need to know all that, John I’m-“, Alexander was cut off by a gentle kiss from John.

“Alexander, it’s alright. I’m glad you told me, and I’m sorry about your mother. If it’s any consolation, mine died when I was young too. I know how it feels.” John’s words were soft and a small comfort, a pinprick of light in the dark abyss Alexander felt to be imprisoned in.

Alexander gave a tiny nod in accord, his eyelids starting to droop with heaviness from severe lack of sleep. As he nodded off, Alexander realized that this was the safest he had felt in years.

 

* * *

 

 

Alexander was awoken by the near-blinding daylight spilling in from the window, shining straight through the thin periwinkle blue curtains. He let out a lazy yawn, and wondered how long it had been since he’d gotten that much sleep. That split second of blissful peace came to an abrupt halt when he became aware of the lack of a person next to him, and Alexander couldn’t help but panic. It was what he did best, after all.

Where had John gone? Had he left Alexander too, like nearly everyone else he loved?

Alexander rose up hastily, looking around the apartment for John, to no avail.

“John?” He called out, a tad hesitant, but was too worried to even have time to be conscious of his slight voice crack.

“Alexander? Are you alright?” John asked, rushing out from the cramped bathroom, and all Alexander felt was sweet relief, John was still here, nothing was wrong. “What’s the matter?”

“No, nothing, I-I’m fine, I guess I just thought you’d left me, for good,” Alexander answered, letting out a long breath of relief.

“Alexander, I’m never leaving for good, I promise. I love you.”


End file.
